Living with depression

I don't want to write a story, I don't want to write a poem and I sure as hell don't want to write a song. So this entry is none of the above. 

First of all for anyone reading this that doesn't know, I suffer from depression. Now the normal response I get to that is "but you're only a young lad!" Which is the most retarded thing I've ever heard. I'm 25, I can still suffer from mental illness and in all fairness, I was probably suffering from the age of 15-16. But with my stubbornness I didn't seek help until I was 21. 

I have had a really tough time with simple things in life because of this illness. Things like getting up before midday (ok sometimes it is just me being lazy) but a lot of the time I will be awake and dying to do something but my mind just won't allow me to get out of bed and be productive. I love exercising, I adore running and cycling and recently grown a love for swimming, now all three of these things are amazing at helping me fight this illness. They release emzimes into my body which make me feel good naturally and I've taken it upon myself to set goals and challenges along the way. Giving myself something to work towards is huge in getting as better as possible as it gives me more drive and more fight day to day. 

Recently though, these past 2-3 weeks, life has been rough. I'm dealing with post holiday blues, work, poor sleep patterns again and general day to day life. Now these things shouldn't be hard, but for me they are getting harder every day. Late finishes at work means late going to bed but that doesn't justify waking up at midday and losing out on the exercise and training I should have been doing. I have woken up at 10am before this week and sat there and couldn't physically drag myself out of bed. I sat there crying because I wasn't strong enough to do what I wanted. I have progressively pushed away people who love and care about me by just being an arse. I couldn't cope with dealing with their problems as well as mine, so I pushed them away. I'm gradually getting lonelier and lonelier and it's all my own doing. 

I am 100% terrified of what's going to happen next. I've had bad experiences when I've started to get like this. I would like to think I'm stronger now, but I'm not sure, ya know? I feel weaker every day but I'm reading the signs. I've made an appointment at my doctors. I'm taking my medication religiously. I'm trying not to let this illness get the better of me, but right now it is. Which is why I'm writing this really. To get everything out, share my problems and if anyone reads this far and can relate then talk to me. Because you are not alone and I don't want to be alone. Like I said, I'm going through the correct channels to seek help but sometimes you just need another human that you know to say "come on mate, I'm here with you, you're strong and I believe in you" to help get you through the day. 

My Bible

The dark outer cover,

Bound in flesh,

My fingers caress,

This unspeakable death,

Hold it so tight, held like a lover,

Only one ever made,

This book has no brother,

Dark sonnets and stories,

Spells are there too,

Be careful what you wish for,

Evil thoughts become true,

For I love you (my dear)

My flesh bound one,

I gave my skin to you,

My Necronomicon!

Acidic Corrosion

If I could fly, just for one day,
I would fly from my mind, far away,
My thoughts are acid corroding my mind,
Eating away all the good things of mine,
For I am sick, twisted and disturbed,
Did I earn this? Is it deserved?
Fly away from my thoughts, please,
I've had enough of the pain, please,
Help me.
Help me. Die.
Kill off this disgusting me,
Rebuild a greater being,
Transform me into someone good,
Drown the old me in a flood,
Forever flying away from my thoughts,
Dying. Always. Never. Longing. Painfully. Ending. Forever. Gone.

Darkness Fall

It's one thing after another,
Why bother? Why bother?
An uphill struggle all the time,
Like the Salmon fish, trying to climb,
Up the river away from it all,
Constantly falling down the waterfall,
Drowning in this never ending battle,
Sinking deeper, without a paddle,
So help me please my inner strength,
Give me the tools to cause no offence,
'Cause this is what's dragging me under,
My days seem forever numbered,
I don't want this anymore,
Lights out, let darkness fall.

Me and myself

A love so sweet,
So soft and true,
How did I know,
That I would find you,
Here in this place,
My personal hell,
Trapped in my mind,
You're the only one I can tell,
For you are mine and I am yours,
Please lead me through the cellar doors,
Into the light and away from the dark,
Beating forever faster, is my heart,
But what will happen when it gives in?
Let the blood flow stop and death can begin,
A sudden death I hope to cause,
Is it mine or is it yours, I can't tell anymore,
Too much screaming around this place, find a cure? Is there such a thing as a death rattle? Or death hair ball?
Was it the pills I took that looked so sweet, colourful and free,
One after another they all went down, someone save me?
The bleach in my hand helped everything down the hole,
Then the vomiting started, you tried so hard just to hold,
But this is enough of our dying state, your words out of my mouth,
Why was I so obeying of somebody I can not see?
Where are you from? Tell me all, are you from the north or south?
Is winter coming where you are from?
Why do you only talk of me? What about your mum?
Why is your voice always in my head?
Please stop saying we're better off dead!
I love you dear, my better half,
Even though you're pulling me apart.

Untouchable?

When the city of god falls before me and chaos rules the world, she will walk out of the flames unscathed, for she is, she is. Untouchable.

Fire and Water Protects me from the Forest

I crossed the water
To see the fire
Why did I not see that I would get burnt?

Stay away from the forests
Is what they said to me
But I ran towards it, why did I get hurt?

I love the drama that I hate so much
It makes me feel like I'm loved
A hollow love is better than none?

All that was promised
Broken in a single lie
Do you think I should have ever gone?

They say history repeats itself, but
What comes around is often not
What's set in motion by myself!