First of all for anyone reading this that doesn't know, I suffer from depression. Now the normal response I get to that is "but you're only a young lad!" Which is the most retarded thing I've ever heard. I'm 25, I can still suffer from mental illness and in all fairness, I was probably suffering from the age of 15-16. But with my stubbornness I didn't seek help until I was 21.
I have had a really tough time with simple things in life because of this illness. Things like getting up before midday (ok sometimes it is just me being lazy) but a lot of the time I will be awake and dying to do something but my mind just won't allow me to get out of bed and be productive. I love exercising, I adore running and cycling and recently grown a love for swimming, now all three of these things are amazing at helping me fight this illness. They release emzimes into my body which make me feel good naturally and I've taken it upon myself to set goals and challenges along the way. Giving myself something to work towards is huge in getting as better as possible as it gives me more drive and more fight day to day.
Recently though, these past 2-3 weeks, life has been rough. I'm dealing with post holiday blues, work, poor sleep patterns again and general day to day life. Now these things shouldn't be hard, but for me they are getting harder every day. Late finishes at work means late going to bed but that doesn't justify waking up at midday and losing out on the exercise and training I should have been doing. I have woken up at 10am before this week and sat there and couldn't physically drag myself out of bed. I sat there crying because I wasn't strong enough to do what I wanted. I have progressively pushed away people who love and care about me by just being an arse. I couldn't cope with dealing with their problems as well as mine, so I pushed them away. I'm gradually getting lonelier and lonelier and it's all my own doing.
I am 100% terrified of what's going to happen next. I've had bad experiences when I've started to get like this. I would like to think I'm stronger now, but I'm not sure, ya know? I feel weaker every day but I'm reading the signs. I've made an appointment at my doctors. I'm taking my medication religiously. I'm trying not to let this illness get the better of me, but right now it is. Which is why I'm writing this really. To get everything out, share my problems and if anyone reads this far and can relate then talk to me. Because you are not alone and I don't want to be alone. Like I said, I'm going through the correct channels to seek help but sometimes you just need another human that you know to say "come on mate, I'm here with you, you're strong and I believe in you" to help get you through the day.
